The "In" Crowd

I've written before about Busted Halo, an online magazine that I read. Today, one of the columnists, Phil Fox Rose, wrote about gossip. One paragraph stuck out to me, in a way that went way past the topic at hand.

Wanting “to be included in the group” when the group is behaving in a way that’s contrary to Christian morals is one of the great challenges for all of us. We are in essence social creatures. We were designed that way, and it is a good thing, but the fear of being shunned and the desire to be embraced by a group can push us into a disordered response, where we abandon our principles to align with the group’s values. So I do challenge all of us, myself included, to resist those temptations. I am not saying we can be perfect, but let’s at least start by recognizing that it is not OK.

This challenge and temptation creeps up on me in subtle ways, and, from what I've seen among friends and acquaintances, I have good company. Some work environments, some school environments, some social environments are poisonous because of the examples that act around us. I spend large amounts of time in a group, and little by little I begin to blend in with them and adopt their standards as my own. It happens so slowly and -- here's the kicker -- rather than making me uncomfortable as some pattern of sin do at first, it makes me more comfortable. I have a pretty good sense of myself and a fairly strong moral compass, but sometimes that's not enough.

The desire to be included is pretty powerful. Sometimes it works to our benefit. When I worked for Students for Life of America, the desire to be included led me to learn more about my beliefs and to act more boldly than I had done in the past. On the flip side, when I worked in another setting with professionals who shirked their duties and resented their obligations to others, I found it very hard to keep the compassion and commitment with which I started. Luckily, I had another, stronger group to keep me on track.

This trend applies to small decisions as well and serves a social function. We dress to imitate our colleagues : that is how we learn what is appropriate to wear to school or work. We speak to imitate our friends : that is the only way communication works. The problem arises when we don't stop to think about with whom we are trying to fit in and how we fit in. Tonight, I played trivia with some law students. I tried to fit in with a trivia team and a casual social group. To do this, I had to listen to law school stories and try to answer trivia questions. I had to encourage other people on the team and laugh at my own lack of knowledge. I could do that without sacrificing my core values.

A few years ago, I found myself trying to fit into a social group that had a lot of crude humor and made offense comments. To fit in there, I wouldn't have to make racist, sexist, or intolerant jokes... but I would have to laugh at them. I was trying to fit into a group of college students. In order to fit in, I had to change my moral system. Ultimately, I got myself out of that situation, but it took me a long time to put my finger on what made the whole thing so hard. I was very close to one person in that group, so I wanted badly to fit in.

Again, it is a subtle and often dangerous temptation. The Busted Halo columnist got it right when he said that we need to start recognizing that it's not okay. Once we recognize it, we can surround ourselves by positive people and make ourselves constantly aware of our values, so that when we do go into adverse situations, we don't lose ourselves in the adversity.