From Ages Past....

Last night, I was sorting through my email "draft" folder, looking for writing samples from my past to send out with a job application. I found a ton of work that reminded me how much I'd put into my VSC school, and this surprise from immediately after graduation.

I wrote this piece more than two years ago for a group of women praying and fasting together. The boy in question has gone out of my life with all my Hail Marys and I have more questions, doubts, and grudges than I did then. I'm still seeking God's plan in my life, and perhaps I need to learn wisdom from my younger self : Give up my need for knowing and let God run my dreams.

A couple weeks ago, I was at a pub. It was the last of the Theology on Tap series for the Diocese of Arlington, and the priest speaking focused on forgiveness. I had just finished with commencement weekend, three days filled with speakers and times when I had to appear attentive. Perhaps another speaker was not the best idea at the time, and anyway, while the priest was a good speaker, he did not speak to where I was in terms of forgiveness. But he did say something that stuck with me:

A priest had told him not to give anyone else free rent in his head. When we refuse to forgive someone, they have permission to stomp all over inside our heads, and what do we get from it? Nothing.

I have my own vices, but holding grudges is not one of them. So at first I thought, "There's no one with free rent in my head." Then I thought again, and realized that wasn't true. A certain boy had open-ended permission to be wherever in my mind, whenever. Not only is that not healthy, but it also isn't exactly letting God work freely in me.

It can be hard to let things go, especially dreams. But how can I ask God to work in me, when I don't leave myself open to Him?

Modifying the priest's suggestion, I began to pray a Hail Mary for the boy who lives in my head whenever I think of him. Not for me, not that he gets out of my head, but simply for him. For some reason, I find it easier to accept that God might have amazing, never-dreamed-of plans for him than for me. Praying for where God is taking him not only gives him more Hail Marys than he could dream he's getting; it also makes it easier to accept that fact that God is taking me unknown places too.

I have a hard time being okay with the unknown and the unknowable; it's the struggle I have in this fast, because the unknown takes the center stage: this unknown vocation, for which I offer its merits. And that's how God often works in my life: the beauty of the unknown.

Today, I will pray for grace in giving up the desire to know. To know the who, the what, the when of my future vocation. I will offer the graces of this fast to a man whom I do not know, but whom God does know. And the rest, I will work on leaving to God.

Orienteering

I am officially orientated to Steubenville. I am starting to pick up on the lingo, and I almost have the campus down-pat. Grad students are a good deal less Facebook obsessed than undergrads, but I am officially Facebook friends with fellow GNTs (Graduate/Non-Traditional students). I know enough names and faces to wave to people as I walk across campus. I have heard the Alma Mater, though I am not sure I can sing it. (W&M's still wins; no worries there.) I have been to Mass with the school community and heard the president of the university quote Chesterton -- which apparently is a big joke here. Orientation meal plans have run out and I am cooking in my own kitchen once again.

All this adds up to one terrifying fact : classes start tomorrow at 8am! My patrons for the year are St. Anthony and St. Paul; if you have a moment, please ask them to pray for me!

Day-Maker #41

As I left the dining hall (we got fed during orientation!), I held the door open for the kid behind me. "A girl holding the door for a guy!" he said. "That's unheard of at Franciscan!"

Apparently, I am creating minor gender-based scandals. Win!

Elect Jesus For President

They had signs all over the town of Hurley, VA suggesting just that. I really wanted one of those purple signs, but alas, I never got one.

However, my mom shared this comic with me. It needs no commentary : enjoy!

New Adventures

Dear my loyal readers : I have safely arrived in Ohio! After an earthquake (okay, so it didn't really delay me, but it sounds epic) and brake repairs, I finally packed everything up into my car, 44 hours later than originally intended, running full speed ahead of a hurricane (again, not really pertinent, other than for dramatic effect).

By the grace of God, everything fit in my car, rush hour was apparently over by 8:30am, and I encountered no "runaway trucks," in spite of the escape routes that popped up for them. I also did not need fuel when I passed the "Last Food and Fuel For 120 Miles" sign. I didn't need food either, but I still felt like I should react to the sign, in spite of the fact that I was exiting the highway and would encounter both much sooner.

Now, I am safely stowed away in a little brick house just off campus. I have a view of the river. (What river? you ask. I will find out!) My boxes will become unpacked -- soon(ish). I am labeled for orientation with a nametag (useful) and a green wristband (obnoxious, but useful since it allows me to eat). I have a new housemate, Victoria, and am meeting people in my program.

Best of all, in the opening remarks, two people spoke directly to me. The president of the university reminded us that our time here is an adventure precisely because we are giving up control and letting God conduct our paths. It doesn't matter if we don't know why we're here : God does. A literature professor mentioned, almost offhand, the blessedness of the lilies of the field, a Scripture verse that defines my life.

Prayer, Segment 2: Change My Water Into Wine

Also, a prayer at the CVN training, this song hit home. Matt Aujero, a fellow CVN trainee and the writer of this song, explained that when he wrote it, "I was trying to be my own miracle, rather than letting God." Wow. I'm bad at letting God make miracles in my life on His time, and I hate when I seem to discern His plan but then things go awry. So it was a solid reminder that God always takes what we are doing and makes it something more. He makes it something good and holy and pleasing, which I simply cannot do on my own.

“Turn My Water Into Wine”
By Matt Aujero and Anthony Rennekamp

When I’m broken, may you heal the shattered fragments.
When I’m shaken, I ask you to calm my nerves.
When I’m impatient, may I trust you with my heart.
Cuz I try so hard, but I can only go so far.

Refrain:
Let You, Lord, turn my water into wine
(2x w/ echo)

At Cana, they listened to Your Mother
As she said, "Do whatever He tells you."
I lack the same faith, for I choose my will over Yours
May I realize only You can make me more

Take my hand
And what I have
It's hardly anything
Please transform me (Repeat)

And in the end
I just ask You

Prayer, Segment 1: Your Life Is a Sacred Journey

I am going to start a new section of the blog : sharing my favorite prayers. Sometimes they will come with stories, sometimes without. Here is the first one, prayed with a finger labyrinth. It came from the CVN training weekend.

"Your life is a sacred journey.

And it is about change, growth,

continuously expanding

your vision of what is possible,

stretching your soul,

learning to see clearly and deeply,

listening to your intuition, taking courageous risks

and embracing challenges at every step along the way.

You are on the path, exactly where you are

meant to be right now.

And from here, you can only go forward,

shaping your life story into a magnificent tale

of triumph, of healing, of courage,

beauty, wisdom, power, dignity, and love."

Caroline Joy Adams

Hello, Again!

My hiatus is over, and I am returning to the world of blogging! I have a lot of catching up to do; to speed up the process here are some quick updates:

1) I am doing recruiting work for the Catholic Volunteer Network, CVN. They help people find service opportunities, like my VSC year. Check them out here. I did training with them in DC for a weekend, during which I met some awesome people and decided to be excited about grad school again.

2) I want to give a shout out to Ana, Julia, Wendy, and Emily as well as my mother and her sister, who have been awesome support for me over the past two weeks. I've always known the women in my life were amazing, but this just made it hit home all the more. Most, if not all, of you ladies read this blog: thanks! <3

3) Lots and lots of testing. I'm ready to be a student in the classroom again, but I am not thrilled about having to study again.

4) The Great Move to Ohio happens soon. Virginia is protesting with all her might, in the form of a 5.9 earthquake. Sorry, my dearly beloved state, but have no fear: our separation is not forever!

Hiatus

During the ups and downs of the move from the 'burg to NoVA, I considered taking a break from blogging. I promised myself, when I started this blog, that it would not be an emotional crutch for me. Instead, I just cut back posts, assuming things would settle once I moved home. Now, I am finding my life more emotionally turbulent than it has been in a while. In honor of removing the temptation to vomit emotion all over my loyal readers, I am taking an official hiatus from the blog for at least two weeks. I will be in touch again, loyal readers, when I am in Ohio and officially a full-time student once more!

Day-Maker #40

This afternoon I noticed, in a window across the room from me, that it was raining. When I glanced to the window closer to me, there was no rain! I stepped outside, where I discovered that my house was right on the rain line : on the west side of the house, we had a summer shower; on the east side, the world was dry.

Homecoming

My brief stay in NoVA is already 1/3 of the way over. Since I lack both gainful employment and formal school-time, I have dedicated a good deal of time to seeing people. As I bop from place to place, I am discovering the sure signs of homecoming:

1) Talk of politics. My homecoming coincided with a beautiful example of Washington politics at their most agreeable. In addition to the glory of the debt deal, Republican candidates for the 2012 election are starting to pop up. These events keep me entertained as friends and family keep analyzing and offering opinions on them.

2) Highways. In NoVA, we gossip about our highways the way stereotypical small towns gossip about people. And with the new construction of HOT lanes on the beltway, I-495 provides endless conversation, and we are constantly looking for detours and other routes.

3) Fresh tomatoes. Nothing says summer at home like garden-ripe tomatoes pulled from the backyard to color a salad, or be eaten on their own. I tend to forget what real tomatoes taste like until I eat one from my father's garden.

4) Mosquitoes that eat me. Part and parcel with the garden, unfortunately. The only place on earth where mosquitoes genuinely like me is in the backyard garden, when I am picking those tomatoes that I love.

5) Starbucks. In general, I avoid chain coffee shops and try to find local places to satisfy the love of coffee shops I discovered with Ana in St. Louis. However, we have essentially no local places in my neck of the woods, and Starbucks provided a home for my particular subset of the high school youth group. I'm still friends with those two lovely ladies and whenever two or three of us are gathered, it happens at Starbucks.

6) Decaf tea. For some reason, I don't buy a lot of it on my own. But when I'm at home, I drink it like there's no tomorrow.

7) Friends and family. Really, it's people who make home. And while I'm missing a few specific individuals like mad, I have a blessed gathering of awesome people close to me!

Day-Maker #39

Video-chat makes my life happy. It is awesome to be able to see faces far away.