Darkness

Em turns 23 in a few days. For her birthday, we went to the Darkness, the 3rd best haunted house in the US.

Even the getting there was an adventure. After The Office we piled into our two cars, my car following in the others. Following did not trouble us as it sometimes does, but we missed the turn the first time we passed the haunted house. When we found our way back, the other car turned to wrong way again, away from the parking lot -- and onto the entrance ramp to the eastbound highway. Now, to understand where we were, we got off the "Last Missouri" exit. So getting back on the highway meant that we were headed to East St. Louis with no exits in between. We followed them onto an exit ramp, where the first thing I saw were two graffiti-ed speed limit signs. Not confidence-inspiring. After a brief nerve-wracking detour off the highway, we headed back to St. Louis and eventually wound our way to the Darkness.

We bought tickets and stood in line. Ana and Triss had worked themselves up nicely in the car, both of them claiming to "not do scary." I would have said the same thing but for Busch Gardens haunted houses in previous Octobers. However, the sign above Darkness boasted "America's Scariest Haunted House," which intimidated me. (I fact-checked this. Of the rankings on its website, Darkness has one in which it was rated best; for most, it fell somewhere in the top 10.) Byrd and Meemaw stayed pretty level, and Em was in an excited mood. However, once the line wrapped inside the building and characters started growling at us, I discovered that Em like haunted houses not because of her fearlessness, but rather because she enjoyed the adrenaline rush of being scared. Translation: her courage could not help me!

We finally got up to the front of the line where we joked with the ticket collector before he sent us in. I told Em to go in first, and, with much protesting, she did, with me following behind, holding onto Triss, who had Ana pretty much piggy-back, while Byrd and Meemaw brought up the rear. Almost immediately, when the hall got dark and foggy and things started dangling from the ceiling, Em stopped and started going backwards! I was not about to stop, so I ended up at the front of the hand-squeezing train of Vincentian volunteers.

Highlights of the haunted house include when a man in a hoodie scared Em into running; when Ana told a character in the wall, "We already screamed for you -- you don't need to scare me!"; Meemaw and Ana both cussing; and Em having conversations with the characters we passed. (Example : Crazy woman says, "Get out of my room!"; Em replies, "We going! To the exit! Right here!") Apparently Ana also started a litany of saints and told characters, "You're good at your job! God bless you!"

For one section we had on 3-D glasses, which I discovered I hate as much as I hate strobe lights. Problem with leading : I don't like not knowing where I am going. The floor, the walls, and characters' make-up popped out in a crazy way. We were booking it inside that house, and the group ahead of us had a few too cool for school guys who were dilly-dallying. We figured that earlier, a cloaked man who tried to block us wanted to keep us from running into them. (I think I stepped on his foot because he was in my way.) Well, in the 3-D section, they paused behind a corner to wait for us. I jumped -- Em screamed -- and I got mad at them, so I pointed and glared at anyone who jumped at me for the rest of the haunted house, which was not much.

We spilled into an arcade at the end of the labyrinth laughing and gasping. As we walked out, we sang "Happy Birthday" to Em, and Ana jumped as 2 men came out of porta-potties. And, in spite of fears voiced as we drove there, no one died or peed their pants.