Happy Endings

Yesterday, I woke up at 4:45 am, in order to take Meemaw and Triss to the airport. Our Six Pack is down to three. On an impromptu G-chat survey, apparently, when you reduce a Six Pack to three, you get a trinity, a three layer cake, or drunk.

I went to the 6:30 Mass, ate breakfast, brought Ana to a job interview, and distracted myself by being excited about finding housing for next year until it was time to go to summer school.

I don't go in for hugely emotional posts, but this blog would not accurately reflect my time as a volunteer if I didn't mention how hard it is at the ending. So I'll finish this post with some words of encouragement from a wise Daughter of Charity:

"Let the sadness be; it is a sign of all you loved about your companions and your special year. It deserves to be honored. Lean into it a bit and rest with it."

Take Two

Monday, the remaining five of the Six Pack tried again at Beauty and the Beast at the Muny. We succeeded this time : the weather held beautifully and we got seats the second row from the dividing fence.

When the show came, after a 27 hour wait, it was well worth it! I enjoyed the singing, the acting, the fairytale of it. The elaborate costumes and dances in the castle were so much fun! I also just support the way theater works -- unlike movies or TV where everything looks perfect, seamless, and dramatic, theater requires the use of imagination, as one space becomes many and as exaggeration becomes reality.

[Side Note : Exaggeration has two "g"s! Who knew? Not me, until just now, when I tried to spell it. How have I been a teacher all year?]

Besides the fun of the show, the experience of the outdoor theater before two more of the Six Pack left was beautiful. Other than the bugs -- they weren't biting; they just kept flying in and out of the spotlights and lighting up and distracting me.

It Never Rains...

The Muny, the outdoor musical theater in St. Louis, performs throughout the summer and prides itself on the rarity of cancellations. At the very top of the amphitheater, several rows are fenced off for free seating. You arrive an hour or two early and get to watch the show for free!

Always being up for free stuff, Triss, Byrd, Meemaw, and I picnicked in line outside the Muny to watch Beauty and the Beast last night. As the time to open the gates approached, so did some pretty vicious looking storm clouds. Meemaw pulled up the weather on her phone and gave a more optimistic interpretation of the radar than any meteorologist would have. They opened the gates; we filed in.

The four of us got the seats at the very front of the free section. There is literally a green metal railing between one row of seat and the next, marking off the free section. Even though I know it was there for very pragmatic and legitimate purposes, it gave me an odd feeling and made me think about the days of segregation. It would have worked just like this : different entrances, a railing in between, different treatment. Again, it makes sense when people are coming in for free versus paying a healthy sum to get in; it just feels strange knowing that at one point, such divisions were artibrary.

As I was marveling at images of discrimination, the red blips on Meemaw's weather radar were rapidly converging above us. When I looked up, the wind was rushing clouds at us at break-neck speed. Watching them felt like a ride at an amusement park. The dark clouds streaming above the picturesquely forested stage created a stunning image, especially with the beauty of Forest Park behind the stage. Then Byrd pointed out the line of rain.

It hit us in large drops, scattered at first, so that dark stains appeared on my jeans and shocked my face. Then, as if the clouds had been testing us and found us worthy, they picked up with such enthusiasm that within minutes we would have drown, had not a mother and daughter behind us held their umbrellas over us. As the rain kept up, they handed us the umbrellas and huddled in their ponchos.

God continued the rain, to varying degrees, for the next two hours. He also put on one of the most gorgeous light shows to grace the planet, sending brilliant lines of energy across a sky that lit to shades of violet, blue, and red.

And we were there on a night that made history. Although we did not stick it out until 9:30, which is the earliest they would cancel, they did call off the show.

How 6th Graders Do Math

It looks so pretty, but it isn't quite right! This is how my 6th graders did math. They do get points for creativity! You should click and read the mouse-over text as well.

If you don't get it, follow the equations very carefully, one step at a time...

The Times, They Are A-Changin'

I knew it was the beginning of the end when Em's parents came in Thursday evening. They were visiting a few days, attending our closing Mass, and taking Em home with them. So Thursday night, a night of sushi and gelato, was really our last night.

But our official ending was last night, at our "Mass of Thanksgiving." Once again, we gathered in the provincial house, with the same priest and sisters who welcomed us back in August. We invited family and friends from our year here and planned music that would make us cry. Our director planned a farewell and blessing to make us cry as well. We dressed up for the occasion as well, even those of us who aren't so much about the dresses.

My boss from school was there, along with the second and third grade teachers, who are talented teachers and amazing women. My housemates had a variety of guests as well, plus a good number of Daughters of Charity. At the end of Mass, we signed our names into the VCS Alumni Book and were given a framed copy of our covenant.

We had dinner with our guests and then came home... and then, this morning, Em and her parents left. And we are suddenly no longer a six-pack.

Third Time's the Charm

At long last, and after multiple fails (some more epic than others), I finally got to tour Schlafly's Bottleworks. Having been to the huge Anheuser-Busch facility earlier in the year, I went in expecting to be slightly disappointed and was proven very wrong. In fact, if you are choosing a beer tour, I recommend Schlafly's over A-B.

The tour guide won my heart almost immediately. Besides being amused by the brewery's use of Shop-and-Save carts left over from the building's previous owners, he actually explained what malt is! Ever since I discovered "malted milkshakes" on the Red Robin menu, I have wanted to know what this mysterious "malt" might be, and no one has ever given me a decent explanation. Until today!

[Side Note in case you care: Malt (in this case barely malt) is a grain that has partially germinated and been dried. Translated, that means you let it start to sprout, then you roast it, so that it doesn't grow anymore. In beer and milkshakes, this malt grain is further processes to create a sugar.]

The tour continued in the same quality as the beginning. We got a very brief introduction to Schlafly's as a company, but most of the tour focused on the actual process of beer making and the chemistry of it. This is why we do this and what effect it has on the finished product. Example : two types of beer, lager and ale. Main difference: lager ferments longer. Most beers are filtered to get the yeast out. If you are drinking a cloudy beer, that means there is dormant yeast in it -- it hasn't been filtered. Things that people who know beer might know, but that your every-day-member-of-a-6-pack might not.

At the end of the tour, we had a beer tasting. Also a thumbs-up over A-B. Rather than handing us two free beers, we learned how to taste beer. Our tour guide explained body, clarity, color, and flavor. As we tried 4 different beers, he explained what made each one what it was. For example, he explained the "body" of a beer as being like milk. As we sampled the Pale Ale, he described it as the "2% milk" of beer. The next beer was lighter, and so we could learn the difference.

We tried Pale Ale, Hefeweizen, Oatmeal Stout, and Dried-Hopped APA -- all very different. I don't know if I liked the pale ale or the oatmeal one the best, but I do know I prefer beer with some body and bitterness, quite the opposite of the rest of my community.

It's nice to feel like I know a little more about something. Now, I suppose, to be classy, I should find a wine tour.

Helena, Evelyn Waugh

More of an Idiot: Helena, Evelyn Waugh: "Helena, Evelyn Waugh
Once again, I chose a book based on recommendation. I opened it in the library to see if I could figure out the basic plot line (I don't like to jump into a book unless I know this) and sat on the floor reading the first five or ten pages. Needless to say, that recommended it to me.

Helena tells the story of St. Helena from a half-fictional, half-historical perspective. St. Helena is the mother of Constantine, the Roman emperor who legalized Christianity. She is famous for being pious, establishing churches, and supposedly discovering the true Cross. Not much is known about her background or her relationship with Constantius, the father of Constantine.

Waugh takes liberty in creating a vivid young Helena on the British Isles who falls in love with the adventures she hopes to find as the wife of Constantius. I felt like I knew Helena through her early marriage, the birth of her son, and even up through her divorce. Then, abruptly, the tone shifts. Waugh steps away from Helena. I spent most of the novel anticipating the story of her conversion because she spends so much of the novel seeking. Waugh simply slipped in her conversion as a side note, rather than a major part of the story. I never quite got over that, even though he brought the narration back into her character for a while.

Waugh also has a habit of slipping occasionally from the concrete into heavily abstract language that, quite frankly, lost my attention. Other than these few passages, however, I enjoyed his writing. Like the first five or ten pages, the novel read smoothly and kept me reading. I just had to see it as a novel about a girl from Britain who marries a great Roman and gives birth to a greater one, not as the story of a saint that I expected."

Horoscopes for Smart People

One of my favorite workshops at the Convocation focused on leadership styles. You may remember, either from knowing me or reading my post about Dittmer, that I have slight obsession with personality theories and tests. I know it's a silly hobby -- one of my friends called things such as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator "horoscopes for smart people," and it's true. But silly or no, it intrigues me, so I jumped at the opportunity to take in more theory and ideas about how we as humans function differently.

Ana, Triss, and I walked in to the room, where we (along with the rest of the group) divided ourselves up according to colors. We read descriptions posted on the wall and self-defined ourselves into a color group. I was blue -- analytical; Ana and Triss were red -- social. The other two colors are yellow (conceptual) and green (structural).

Once everyone had settled into a color, the professor leading the workshop explain the theory. It is called Emergenetics (with some sort of a "we own this name/theory" sign behind it). People are measured on two sets of descriptors: the way their brains work and their behaviors. There was a circle picture to illustrate it, but I have no such cute little visual.

The four colors make up the first set of descriptors:

Blue: analytical Yellow: Conceptual

Green: structural Red: Social

Yellows are big-picture visionaries, with future-oriented thinking. They are experimenters and explorers, with new ideas, never bound by the "way things are done." They generate ideas and thrive on creativity.

Reds are relational. They focus on other people, recognizing them, affirming them, being in tune with their values and gifts. They love team work and learn by interacting with other people.

Greens are the organizers of the world. They think in bullet points; they are thorough, detailed, dependable, timely. They like guidelines, due dates, time lines; they are practical people who are drawn to the tried and true rather than new and innovative.

Blues logical, objective, rational. They assimilate new information with ease and solve problems quickly, focused on the end result. They are researchers, data-oriented, always asking, "Why?"

The rows represent abstract versus concrete thinking and the columns "symmetrical vs. asymmetrical," terms that replaced "logic" because of a value judgement. But the symmetry refers to the function of logic and order. (Blogger does not like my formatting; sorry that the table doesn't line up right.)

Symmetrical Asymmetrical

Abstract Blue: analytical Yellow: Conceptual

(abstract, symmetrical) (abstract, asymmetrical)

Concrete Green: structural Red: Social

(concrete, symmetrical) (concrete, asymmetrical)

Nice and simple, right? Then, in an arrowed circle around this diagram came the three measures of behavior: expressivity; assertiveness; flexibility. Expressivity is tendency to share and express emotions. Assertiveness is willingness to speak thoughts. Flexibility is openness to accommodating the thoughts and actions of others.

They are divided into thirds to describe people; you can be a "first third expressive" or "third third flexible." The thirds confused me but a "first third" means weak in that area and a "third third" means high. Example : a loud extrovert tends to be a third third expressive. We didn't get as much about the behaviors as the ways of thinking, so I have no specifics, though I can take guesses about where I fall on these scales.

In our color groups, we worked together to answer the question : How would your group go on a vacation together? When we presented our resulting posters to the group at large, the professor caricatured the color tendencies that appeared in our interactions and answers. I would have like to have learned more about leading as a specific color-brained person and about interacting with people of various color brains and various behaviors. Then the workshop would have been as useful as it was fun. As is, I got food for thought and a library recommendation to read more of the theory.

Snow White and Rose Red, Patricia C. Wrede

More of an Idiot: Snow White and Rose Red, Patricia C. Wrede: "As I was searching the children's section for Briar Rose, I stumbled upon a few books I had not read by Patricia C. Wrede. Wrede writes fun young adult books, full of magic, confusion, and spunky heroines. Being in the mood for fun and not too much thought, I picked up another book in the Fairy Tale series of Briar Rose, Snow White and Red Rose.

Snow White and Red Rose is not the same fairy tale as Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. So I didn't actually know the fairy tale of the book. Wrede interspersed bits of the fairy tale with her story, so that I read it slowly throughout the novel, but I think part of the joy of the story was lost on me.

The novel is set in Elizabethan England, in a world that combines traditional idea of Faerie with a historical fear of witchcraft. Two girls and their mother get inadvertently involved in a vortex of human wizardry and Faerie drama. Wrede uses rather Shakespearean language (this is the only place I've read 'an' to mean 'if' outside of the Bard), which jarred with her accessible prose at first. Once I got past it, I enjoyed the novel, from an 'I want something simple and engrossing to take my mind off the housing hunt' perspective."

Back to Chicago

Somehow or another, I seem to be spending a good deal of time in Chicago this year. Five of the 6 pack road-tripped it up to the Windy City this past weekend for the National Vincentian Youth Convocation, celebrating the year of the 350th anniversary of the deaths of St. Vincent de Paul and St. Louise de Marillac. De Paul University was hosting 135 young Vincentians to celebrate the founders of the charism.

Most of the attendees were students at one of the three Vincentian universities : Niagara, St. John's, and De Paul itself. In addition, there was a small but strong showing of volunteers and former volunteers and seven brave "other" souls. The strong student contingent tinted the entire conference with a decidedly collegiate focus. Still, most of it was applicable to the life of a Vincentian volunteer as well.

We started out the weekend with a service activity. Try as I might, I cannot escape education; I helped prepare activity supplies for De Paul's Jumpstart. As a teacher's aide this year and a teacher's daughter for life, I understand the importance of the prep work of coloring, cutting, and laminating, but after a long early morning drive, the repetitive activity got to me and I had a very hard time staying awake for the end bit. However, I had a nice nap afterwards and was surprisingly awake for the reflection and dinner (Chicago pizza -- yum!).

Dinner was followed by a boat ride on the river and lake, with a tour of the architecture of the shoreline. Apparently Chicago has the longest uninterrupted shoreline of any city in the US. Some highlights of the tour : 1) Part of downtown, the "Gold Coast," was once owned and declared independent from the city and the state by Streeter, a man who had dirt dumped in the river to form the land. 2) The Chicago River's flow was reverse, because Chicagoans (is that right?) were concerned about waste flowing into Lake Michigan. Instead it flowed south to St. Louis. Gee, thanks, Chicago. 3) One of the largest LEED certified buildings stands along the Chicago shoreline. The green roof collects rainwater, which is used to help cool the building.

Sunday and Monday were sit-and-listen days, with "plenary" and "concurrent" sessions. I kept forgetting the word "concurrent," and calling them "breakout" sessions, and I discovered at lunch on Monday that really no one knew what plenary means. Kudos for the cool words, De Paul leadership, but I think your genius was largely lost. Sister Patricia Connelly, DC, who represents the Daughters of Charity in the UN, gave the keynote address about systemic change as part of the Vincentian charism. We also had plenary sessions on an international Vincentian group called MISEVI and on Haiti. I attended sessions on different models of leadership (the colors, for those of you who know whether you are blue, green, yellow, or red), women's stories, forgiveness, and the Vincentian archives at De Paul. We had Mass together and ice cream and prayed some.

You'll hear more about the content and suchnot of the the sessions over the next few days. Some I enjoyed, some challenged me, some worried me. We started and ended with the "Vincentian question," a question Vincent de Paul asked at the beginning of his ministry, and one I struggle to answer and invite my dear readers to consider.

Seeing the condition of the poor in the villages of France, Vincent turned to his friend, Madame de Gondi, and asked, "What must be done?"

Briar Rose, Jane Yolen

More of an Idiot: Briar Rose, Jane Yolen: "On recommendation from a roommate and fellow Vincentian volunteer.

This book brings together the stories of the Holocaust and Sleeping Beauty, one of my favorite fairy tales. I mostly liked the fairy tale as a child because I had a Sleeping Beauty book with the most beautiful illustrations. I sped through Jane Yolen's Briar Rose in one evening, from 4pm to 10pm, despite the fact that I had assumed it would keep me reading for a few days.

Despite the fact that it is in the Fairy Tale series, a series of books by different authors meant to bring fairy tales to life in the modern world. It is the story of a girl on a quest for her own history and her grandmother's identity, an identity which Yolen reveals through the story of Sleeping Beauty. Any Holocaust story is bound to be tragic, and this novel is no exception. Yet it keeps from being oppressive. I'm fairly certain that I've read excerpts from it somewhere, because portions of it were so familiar that I already knew the names of places and events, but I know I hadn't seen some of the plotlines before.

The library housed it with Juvenile Fiction, where it probably fits best, but it doesn't need to be a children's book. Which, after all, is part of the goal of the Fairy Tale series."

Book Smarts

It occurred to me as I was placing the lasted additions on the "Books I've Read" list at the bottom of this bog, that such a list is fairly useless. Its original purpose was to keep tabs on the books I could check off my "Book List" on Facebook -- a helpful compilation created by my friends for my literary benefit.

However, I never intended that list to be a show-off list of what I've read. I wanted to keep tabs on what I've read and share good books with others. Problem : I wouldn't recommend everything I've read. Solution : I will post a few brief thoughts on books when I finish them. You can click the "Books" label over to the side if you are ever trying to find a good book. Unless you are like my dearly beloved roommate (... er, best friend, since we don't live together anymore), and don't actually have the same taste in literature that I do.

That's What I'm Doin' These Days

School is over. If you've been reading faithfully (you have, haven't you?), you know this already. So what does a teaching assistant do with her days after school ends? Summer school, of course!

Ana and I are working with a summer school program that takes place on-site at our school, but is not actually run by our school. So I have a new boss now. The program focuses on maintaining and improving literacy skills for 4th and 5th grade students. Most of the day, the students will have different reading-related activities, as well as art and PE classes, although even those classes will link back to reading. The school day ends at 3:30, and then the aftercare program begins.

Enter Beth and Ana. Our boss commissioned us to set up education-related after-school activities for our kids. So, while summer school doesn't start until June 28, we've been keeping ourselves busy with planning. For the past week and a half, we've been scouring the St. Louis area for organizations that might bring activities and presentations to our school for free or cheap rates. And by "scouring St. Louis," I mean spending many hours online, researching groups and programs and sending emails into the dark : "I don't know if you can help, but..."

I've been working out of a coffee shop, which has been fun. Meemaw introduced us to a cute one in the Italian section of town that has free wireless and, unlike Panera (known as St. Louis Bread Co. here), they don't kick you off after 1/2 hour during lunch time. So Ana and I can sit for three or four hours shooting out countless emails, calculating budgeting, and creating calendars.

We're working out some cool programming. The Humane Society is coming to talk about animal rescue; the Science Center is doing demonstrations on "Creepy Chemistry" and where you can find plastic that you wouldn't expect. The Magic House offers free programs for schools with 50% or more free and reduced lunch. The Shakespeare Festival has offered us sessions. (I am in love with our contact there. He is speed and generous, has a cool email address, and passionate about Shakespeare. I am also likely never to meet him.) Our challenge is to come up with 28 days of programming on a very limited budget.

The other challenge for me relates to timing. I will only be with the summer school program through mid-July, and we are planning up through August. Logistically, for the summer school, it works out; Ana, my new boss, and one of his interns are more than capable of handling whatever I get set up before I leave. I just have received another task in patience to set up all these exciting programs knowing that I won't be around to see them. God has given me the task of planting what others will reap a lot this year, and this ministry is another of them.

Religions

Eventually, I will return to a 50-hour work-week, and my posts will once again become shorter and less frequent. Until then, my loyal readers will find more to read -- or in this case watch.

Stephen Colbert makes an appearance again! Yesterday he interviewed Stephen Prothero (who I'd never heard of) who wrote God Is Not One (which I'd never heard of) about the 8 major religions of the world, their vital differences, and why these differences are important. Besides Colbert's stunning defense of the Catholic crucifix, I enjoyed Prothero's explanation of the world's religions in terms of the problems they address: Catholicism, sin; Islam, pride; Buddhism, suffering; Judaism, exile. In fact, Prothero's explanations intrigued me so much, I put the book on hold at the library as I was watching the interview.

So, for your enjoyment:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Stephen Prothero
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Fox News

The Vindication of Taylor Swift

Disclaimer: I actually like Taylor Swift. I am "girly" in few ways, but I have a weakness for Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, and chick flicks.

I have a hunch I'm going to do more than a little blogging about these talks that I mentioned in my last post, so let me explain that the talks come from the FOCUS conference at New Years and my friend Benjamin has been gracious enough to share them with me. I listened to a few in his car while on my whirlwind tour of Virginia and requested a few specific ones of interest. Today, my subject is one offered for the benefit of the males present to explain the inexplicable mystery of the female. Despite the fact that I was not the target of the talk, I found it fascinating, pointed, and useful.

The speaker, Lisa Cotter, based her talks around Taylor Swift and chick-flicks and why they speak to women. She starts out with superficial premises about men and women : Men are physical and visual beings; women are emotional and relational. She explains that men can see and create beauty in a special way -- a new notion about men for me at least. She also claims that, statistically, there are more male martyrs and female mystics in the Church's history. I want to look more into this tidbit, because it might help my search for a female spirituality.

Then she gets into the fun stuff. I won't give you the whole talk -- just the outline and the thoughts it inspired. She starts with a Taylor Swift favorite: "Love Story." Okay, not one of my favorites, because I don't know if Taylor doesn't know literature or just likes to play with allusions. Cotter takes the idea of a girl waiting for her prince, because she's the princess. I take issue to the idea that every girl wants to be a princess or is waiting for her prince, though Cotter does qualify that some girls are Cinderella and some are Xena, Warrior Princess. However, I do grant that our society (which does permeate the way we live our faith) encourages girls to wait for that man Cotter dubs "Mr. Wonderful."

While we are waiting, a void forms. I loved this image that Cotter used. A void forms. A void -- an empty space, a sign of something missing, something lacking. And it forms -- it isn't naturally in us. It isn't the same ache as Augustine's heart waiting to rest in God. It forms around the idea of something other than God, something that can be beautiful and holy -- or twisted and hurtful. Cotter allowed that women's desire for intimacy and connection is a good thing, while still explaining how it turns into a dangerous ache.

Dangerous because, like men's physical and visual tendencies, it causes particular temptations. And Cotter develops a relationship trajectory for her hypothetical Taylor. She meets a boy, who seems pretty awesome. She doesn't know him well, but he could well be Mr. Wonderful. So she begins what Cotter calls "mental stalking." She thinks about him. She wonders what it would be like to date him, what he's doing, if he thinks about her. Then she has a luxury that her mother did not have : she begins to "cyberstalk" him. She scouts out Facebook for tidbits about his life and possible competition. And finally, she "physically stalks" him -- not in a creepy way, but placing herself conveniently near him. By now, she has built up a strong emotional connection to him -- and he has no idea.

At this point in the talk, I was having very profound thoughts, such as, Wow. Dang. And thoughts that were more in depth, such as, I've been there. I've seen friends there.

Cotter carried on with the outcomes of crushes. Option one is that Mr. Wonderful doesn't like her and starts dating someone else. At this point, I knew which of Taylor's songs she was about to quote : "Teardrops on My Guitar." (One of my personal favorites, which I am now self-conscious about.) Option two is that he likes her. Of course, that won't last either, and we get "White Horse."

Much as I loved the talk up to this point, this direction took it to the next level. See, when he likes her, they start dating. And when they start dating, she is allowed to be emotionally intimate with him. Cotter makes the analogy of the Hebrew temple. The temple had many sections that got progressively holier, and, depending on status, people could only enter certain sections. The innermost section was the Holy of Holies, the Ark of the Covenant. We are the same way. And as women, with a desire for intimacy, we have the temptation to draw back too many curtains too fast. We want to let that guy into the holy of holies inside our hearts. I add to Cotter that women believe this immediate intimacy solidifies and cements a relationship, distinguishes it from something "purely physical." But, as Cotter points out, we end up giving away bits of our hearts in relationships that won't last.

At this point, it becomes clear that Cotter is addressing a male audience; she begins to tell the men about ways they can help their female friends combat their unique temptations. Which, good, I'm glad men get to hear this talk. I wish women could hear a similar talk.

I wish women could hear a similar talk because, to be honest, just because we do these things does not mean we are aware of them. Listening, I felt like Cotter was describing my life and my friends' lives in terms I had never considered before I heard her. And suddenly I was aware of challenges and temptations in my life that made sense, but which I had never heard before. I want to know : As a woman, where do I go from here? Men were instructed not to be flirts, but what instructions do we get? Now that I know more about myself how does that change how I act?

Cotter seemed to be saying, and saying clearly, "Guard your heart." Yet she commended the emotional needs of women. So I am left with the necessity of guarding my heart without putting up walls, a difficult balance to seek, let alone achieve. Any thoughts, dear readers, (male or female) on how to live out this challenge?

Dieting

I mentioned to one of my friends the other day that I had started to make Lectio Divina a part of my regular prayer life. She responded, "Wow, you're so spiritual." I brushed it off lightly and changed the subject. After all, I realize how that can sound -- Latin gives phrases a gold-leaf gild. But it means Divine Reading and is basically a fancy way to say reading the Bible.

So when I was accused of being "spiritual," I simply explained that I had gotten the inspiration from Catholics on Call and instruction from a talk from another conference that a friend sent me. And then I changed the subject to another talk from the same friend and conference, because the truth was her conclusion wasn't true. My decision to pray Lectio had nothing to do with being spiritual -- quite the opposite, in fact. I've been feeling a disconnect with God lately, and I think this might be a way to solve it. In fact, since that weekend, I have made several resolutions of change for my faith life, intent upon changing things. It took that weekend to make me realize how large the disconnect had grown, and I don't like that. So I'm trying some new patterns in my relationship with God.

I felt like a woman who went to the doctor and was told she has high cholesterol. So she starts running. "Oh, you're so healthy!" her friends say. And she eats an apple instead of French fries. "Look at you being healthy!" her friends exclaim. They think of her as the example of healthy living until she wants to scream, "I'm not healthy! I'm doing all this because I'm unhealthy!" Isn't this what Jesus told people who derided his followers (Matthew 2:17)?

The way people perceive each other's spiritual health can work in the same manner. We like to look at what others are doing and admire through our own subtext of That person is better than I; I am not that good. I know I am guilty of this : "Look at her -- she reads the Bible -- goes to Confession -- talks to a spiritual director. She must be so centered -- so holy -- so focused -- close to Christ." Really, these outward signs of holiness can reflect her inner search for a cure, her need for something solid in the midst of an invisible storm. It is not fair to her or to me to make that comparison -- I am placing unrealistic expectations on this hypothetical woman and devaluing my own journey.

Of course, I realize that people are at different places in life and with God. We can be at better or worse places spiritually. God calls us to change and grow and holds us to different standards as we grow. Not only are we unaware of the inside workings of other people, we are also unaware of the expectations for them, and growth requires more of us (1 Corinthians 13:11). And outward signs do not necessarily reflect inner peace with God.

Weekend Away, Take III

On this, my third weekend "retreat," the VSC community was actually on a retreat. We had our third and final "renewal weekend," returning to Dittmer where we made our first retreat. This time, however, rather than wandering through the woods and sitting out by the pond, I spent the majority of the time with my feet or my whole self in the pool right outside our retreat house.

The weekend focused on moving on : what would we bring with us and what would we leave behind? What would we need for the future? We even decorated shoes to help us on our journey into the next part of life! Meemaw is very artsy and hers turned out looking like something that could end up in a store. My other housemates have the patience and skill to make nice looking shoes. Lacking in both, I ended up with decent shoes, but unsatisfied with my own handicraft. Sometimes it's good to know where your gifts don't lie.

I counted Wisconsin as a "retreat" -- while not a retreat proper, it did get me away from St. Louis and some of the influences and preoccupations in my life. I'm counting the Vincentian convocation next week as one as well. So that makes enough retreats that pretty soon I should be in full-out surrender.

Update on Grad School

I got some good news from the two grad schools I am considering for next year (i.e. Fall 2011!). Neither Franciscan University in Steubenville (Ohio) nor the Catholic University of America (in DC) needs a decision this summer if I am going to enroll in '11! Both will let me defer for 2 semesters without needing to know for-sure if I'm choosing them.

This delay isn't just a practice in procrastination and avoiding decisions. I have not visited either campus and I have never even been near Steubenville. Now I will be able to visit and make an informed decision.

More on Lady Gaga

"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore."

One of my favorite women of all time said that [sarcasm alert!]. You guessed it -- Lady Gaga! She speaks here very powerfully about two things that keep me up at night : the search for a vocation and cynicism.

As I mentioned Monday, I spent this past weekend at the Catholics on Call conference, learning about discernment and different types of vocations. When discerning a vocation, we make decisions based on where God is calling us, but we find this place through our gifts, our desires, and other people. Some people are called to religious life; others are called to the lay world.

This year, I have met several amazing women who have chosen the single life in order to give their full hearts to their ministries. At one point, I was scared that being called to lay ministry would doom me to a single life. Or destine or fate or call. Then it stopped being a fear and stopped being a destiny. It was just an unspoken, unrecognized underlying assumption of what is "most likely to happen" if I go down certain career paths.

I wasn't just reacting to a handful of beautiful single women. Women raised after the Sexual Revolution, women my age and somewhat older, have heard all our lives that we can "have it all." Career, husband, children, social life, everything a girl can dream of. And then, as these girls who were raised to "have it all" got older, something changed. Women began to drop out of the workforce! A journalist noticed this and called it the "Opt-Out Revolution." Then Pamela Stone, a sociologist, in the way of sociologists, questioned the veracity of the title and explored women's agency in the choice of dropping out. Stone noticed that high-powered, high-paid women were leaving the work-force, but that many external factors influenced this "choice." It wasn't, as the journalist had assumed, that women wanted to get back into the kitchen.

Other sociologists, of course, noted that Stone paid attention only to a specific demographic of women who could afford to drop out. Many women had always done both family and career and had no choice but to do so. And so the debate began and carries on in the sociology of gender. Meanwhile, women who are less obsessed than I with academic questions quietly note from the example of friends, sisters, mentors, aunts, mothers, and acquaintances that we have been fed a myth. No one can have it all.

Maybe that sounds cynical. (Didn't I mention cynicism earlier?) But it isn't meant to be. Everything requires sacrifice. Everything. I sacrificed pancakes for breakfast this morning in order to have oatmeal. A tiny, tiny sacrifice to be sure. I sacrificed a year at home with friends and family to spend a year in St. Louis learning to love other people. A sacrifice I would not change. The same thing happens in a woman's life (and a man's) when she tries to build a life with a family and a career. It's not a bad thing -- it's life.

So. Lady Gaga. She does quite a number with language there. You can "follow your dreams" or "follow a man." Obviously here, a woman's "dreams" are career dreams. Now, I have no dream of being Lady Gaga, or a career field close to hers. I do not limit my dreams to what my job will be. This weekend, I ended up with more questions and strategies than answers and lessons, but I did learn this : that it's okay to have dreams about parts of my life other than career. Family, friendships, spirituality -- it's okay to dream. Pursuing one's career is not the same as following one's dreams.

Now, I am the type of woman who would never follow a man anywhere without a ring on her finger. However, once again, Lady Gaga offers a false equivalency. Choosing to love someone, choosing to make career sacrifices for another human person does not mean abandoning one's dreams. As I said earlier, sacrifice is everywhere. What's more, it is completely necessary for love. Our society has this crazy notion that love is easy. It's not. As a good friend once said, love means "our mutual sacrifices bring each other closer to God." Building relationship with someone, whether a friendship or a romantic relationship, requires making decisions based on that someone. That doesn't mean you're following them or ruining your "own" life.

Despite all this, my first instinct to Lady Gaga's comment was to agree. I caught myself -- What are you doing, Beth?! -- and my instincts put me on guard. Why did I want to back up such a dreary life view? Enter cynicism. It's easier not to have intimacies and dreams, because then we don't risk being hurt or being disappointed. But the life of a cynic is lonely. If we don't engage in sacrificial relationships, we keep everyone at a distance. We reject the intimacy for which we are created. This rejection doesn't mean keeping everyone 100 yards away. If we keep people at an arm's length (a mistake I make), we keep them out of hugging distance. We were made to be intimate and relational. We need to love and be loved.

Someone should tell Lady Gaga that your career will never wake up and tell you, "I love you."

Oil Spill Immigrants

I recently discovered that two of my favorite sources of humor, xkcd and Stephen Colbert, have a similar vision. A day or so ago, this appeared on xkcd (#748):

[click here to find it. it doesn't fit well here.]

The image of the wall of alligators immediately reminded me of one of my favorite images from Colbert. (The map didn't hurt either. It's relatively the same part of the world.) Colbert first brings it up here -- go to 2:00 and listen to him.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Bay Buchanan
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Fox News

I don't understand the fascination with flames and large reptiles... maybe it goes back to boyhood dreams of dinosaurs? I'm not sure. The crocodiles keep coming back up for Colbert. I enjoy the whole clip for him and would recommend finding the mouse-over text for xkcd. It's always worthwhile.

Things Called Fairy Tales

I read an article today that I want to pass on. Those in favor of legalized abortion often point to the "hard cases" as reasons to have abortion on demand.

This article tells the story of Andrea Bocelli, who was just that : a "hard case," a child who was likely to be born with a disability. I enjoyed this story and the fact that it isn't a miracle story. He is blind. But he is a gifted, valuable, vocal man, no less so because of his blindness. We none of us are any less because of our defects and imperfections.

Some hard cases are more dramatic than others : the odds of certain birth conditions can be more certain, and some disabilities are more drastic than others. Yet, Bocelli's story reminds us that that no human story can be anticipated before birth. Each child in the womb, as much as each child in a first grade classroom, is a vast universe of possibilities and unknown future paths. Being at risk for, or having, a disability does not diminish their value.

Indeed, to suggest as much speaks to the dignity of people who have been born already who have handicaps. Would you really tell Beethoven that he has less value because he is deaf? Or the young boy with the mental handicap who tries so hard at school and fails with a smile on his face? We are so quick to ascribe value according to a utilitarian standard that we forget humanity is a value unto itself, and one that cannot be measured.

"Tell Me, What Will You Do"

This past weekend, I traveled to Chicago with Ana, Em, and Triss for the Catholics on Call conference at the Catholic Theological Union. The conference focused on discernment of vocation : not just as to state of life, but as to type of ministry. Really, though, it provided the tools to discern anywhere, at anytime in life.

We spent four(ish) days there with about 30 other Catholic young adults who had an interest in discerning. Telling the story of the conference will require more than one post, but here are the basics :

We listened a lot. Sr. Barbara Reid, OP; Bishop Morneau (Auxiliary Bishop of the Diocese of Green Bay); Fr. Robin Ryan, CP; and a panel of people from various walks of life spoke to us about various elements of vocations and discernment. We also had the chance to visit a ministry site -- either Misericordia (for people with disabilities) or Harmony, Hope, and Healing (for homeless mothers). We were divided into tables for small group discussions and reflections. We prayed (adapted) Morning and Evening Prayers and had Mass together. Those were the official bits of programming.

But, as with any retreat (even though this officially was not one), a huge portion of the experience came from the other people. Because I knew my three housemates coming in, as well as one friend from home, I had a different experience than some of the other participants. I had the honor of meeting some amazing new people, each of whom had a valuable and fascinating story, and the joy of spending time with people whom I already loved.

My dear readers will have to wait to hear content and conclusions from the conference, but I will say that I walked out with more questions than answers... and that might be okay.