The Vindication of Taylor Swift

Disclaimer: I actually like Taylor Swift. I am "girly" in few ways, but I have a weakness for Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, and chick flicks.

I have a hunch I'm going to do more than a little blogging about these talks that I mentioned in my last post, so let me explain that the talks come from the FOCUS conference at New Years and my friend Benjamin has been gracious enough to share them with me. I listened to a few in his car while on my whirlwind tour of Virginia and requested a few specific ones of interest. Today, my subject is one offered for the benefit of the males present to explain the inexplicable mystery of the female. Despite the fact that I was not the target of the talk, I found it fascinating, pointed, and useful.

The speaker, Lisa Cotter, based her talks around Taylor Swift and chick-flicks and why they speak to women. She starts out with superficial premises about men and women : Men are physical and visual beings; women are emotional and relational. She explains that men can see and create beauty in a special way -- a new notion about men for me at least. She also claims that, statistically, there are more male martyrs and female mystics in the Church's history. I want to look more into this tidbit, because it might help my search for a female spirituality.

Then she gets into the fun stuff. I won't give you the whole talk -- just the outline and the thoughts it inspired. She starts with a Taylor Swift favorite: "Love Story." Okay, not one of my favorites, because I don't know if Taylor doesn't know literature or just likes to play with allusions. Cotter takes the idea of a girl waiting for her prince, because she's the princess. I take issue to the idea that every girl wants to be a princess or is waiting for her prince, though Cotter does qualify that some girls are Cinderella and some are Xena, Warrior Princess. However, I do grant that our society (which does permeate the way we live our faith) encourages girls to wait for that man Cotter dubs "Mr. Wonderful."

While we are waiting, a void forms. I loved this image that Cotter used. A void forms. A void -- an empty space, a sign of something missing, something lacking. And it forms -- it isn't naturally in us. It isn't the same ache as Augustine's heart waiting to rest in God. It forms around the idea of something other than God, something that can be beautiful and holy -- or twisted and hurtful. Cotter allowed that women's desire for intimacy and connection is a good thing, while still explaining how it turns into a dangerous ache.

Dangerous because, like men's physical and visual tendencies, it causes particular temptations. And Cotter develops a relationship trajectory for her hypothetical Taylor. She meets a boy, who seems pretty awesome. She doesn't know him well, but he could well be Mr. Wonderful. So she begins what Cotter calls "mental stalking." She thinks about him. She wonders what it would be like to date him, what he's doing, if he thinks about her. Then she has a luxury that her mother did not have : she begins to "cyberstalk" him. She scouts out Facebook for tidbits about his life and possible competition. And finally, she "physically stalks" him -- not in a creepy way, but placing herself conveniently near him. By now, she has built up a strong emotional connection to him -- and he has no idea.

At this point in the talk, I was having very profound thoughts, such as, Wow. Dang. And thoughts that were more in depth, such as, I've been there. I've seen friends there.

Cotter carried on with the outcomes of crushes. Option one is that Mr. Wonderful doesn't like her and starts dating someone else. At this point, I knew which of Taylor's songs she was about to quote : "Teardrops on My Guitar." (One of my personal favorites, which I am now self-conscious about.) Option two is that he likes her. Of course, that won't last either, and we get "White Horse."

Much as I loved the talk up to this point, this direction took it to the next level. See, when he likes her, they start dating. And when they start dating, she is allowed to be emotionally intimate with him. Cotter makes the analogy of the Hebrew temple. The temple had many sections that got progressively holier, and, depending on status, people could only enter certain sections. The innermost section was the Holy of Holies, the Ark of the Covenant. We are the same way. And as women, with a desire for intimacy, we have the temptation to draw back too many curtains too fast. We want to let that guy into the holy of holies inside our hearts. I add to Cotter that women believe this immediate intimacy solidifies and cements a relationship, distinguishes it from something "purely physical." But, as Cotter points out, we end up giving away bits of our hearts in relationships that won't last.

At this point, it becomes clear that Cotter is addressing a male audience; she begins to tell the men about ways they can help their female friends combat their unique temptations. Which, good, I'm glad men get to hear this talk. I wish women could hear a similar talk.

I wish women could hear a similar talk because, to be honest, just because we do these things does not mean we are aware of them. Listening, I felt like Cotter was describing my life and my friends' lives in terms I had never considered before I heard her. And suddenly I was aware of challenges and temptations in my life that made sense, but which I had never heard before. I want to know : As a woman, where do I go from here? Men were instructed not to be flirts, but what instructions do we get? Now that I know more about myself how does that change how I act?

Cotter seemed to be saying, and saying clearly, "Guard your heart." Yet she commended the emotional needs of women. So I am left with the necessity of guarding my heart without putting up walls, a difficult balance to seek, let alone achieve. Any thoughts, dear readers, (male or female) on how to live out this challenge?