Dieting

I mentioned to one of my friends the other day that I had started to make Lectio Divina a part of my regular prayer life. She responded, "Wow, you're so spiritual." I brushed it off lightly and changed the subject. After all, I realize how that can sound -- Latin gives phrases a gold-leaf gild. But it means Divine Reading and is basically a fancy way to say reading the Bible.

So when I was accused of being "spiritual," I simply explained that I had gotten the inspiration from Catholics on Call and instruction from a talk from another conference that a friend sent me. And then I changed the subject to another talk from the same friend and conference, because the truth was her conclusion wasn't true. My decision to pray Lectio had nothing to do with being spiritual -- quite the opposite, in fact. I've been feeling a disconnect with God lately, and I think this might be a way to solve it. In fact, since that weekend, I have made several resolutions of change for my faith life, intent upon changing things. It took that weekend to make me realize how large the disconnect had grown, and I don't like that. So I'm trying some new patterns in my relationship with God.

I felt like a woman who went to the doctor and was told she has high cholesterol. So she starts running. "Oh, you're so healthy!" her friends say. And she eats an apple instead of French fries. "Look at you being healthy!" her friends exclaim. They think of her as the example of healthy living until she wants to scream, "I'm not healthy! I'm doing all this because I'm unhealthy!" Isn't this what Jesus told people who derided his followers (Matthew 2:17)?

The way people perceive each other's spiritual health can work in the same manner. We like to look at what others are doing and admire through our own subtext of That person is better than I; I am not that good. I know I am guilty of this : "Look at her -- she reads the Bible -- goes to Confession -- talks to a spiritual director. She must be so centered -- so holy -- so focused -- close to Christ." Really, these outward signs of holiness can reflect her inner search for a cure, her need for something solid in the midst of an invisible storm. It is not fair to her or to me to make that comparison -- I am placing unrealistic expectations on this hypothetical woman and devaluing my own journey.

Of course, I realize that people are at different places in life and with God. We can be at better or worse places spiritually. God calls us to change and grow and holds us to different standards as we grow. Not only are we unaware of the inside workings of other people, we are also unaware of the expectations for them, and growth requires more of us (1 Corinthians 13:11). And outward signs do not necessarily reflect inner peace with God.